Fuck you, I love you

Here is a stupid song I wrote!

I wish I could forget you
I wish I’d dream of your face
I wish I could be stronger
Because I’m all over the place

I wish you never existed
I wish that you would call
I wish that you would just fuck off
Because I don’t hate you at all

Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you, I care
Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you aren’t there!

I wish I could hit you
I wish we could kiss
I wish I could slap you
Because you make me like this
Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you, I care
Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you, I love you
Fuck you aren’t there!

I wish you would just leave
I wish you would stay
I wish you would fuck off
Please don’t go away

It's all pretence darling

If I pretend to love you
Will you pretend to care?
If I pretend to need you
Will you pretend you’re there?

If I pretend I dream of you
Will you pretend to smile?
If I pretend I cry for you
Will you pretend and hold me for a while?

If I pretend to cum for you
Will you pretend to fuck?
If I forget I’m supposed to pretend
Will you pretend I’m out of bad luck?

Wild Fire

Puzzle pieces fit together not
So well as you and I.
Through all the years and sands of time
You still have held my eye.

You still have held my interest,
And still have held my heart
And still have kept my thoughts with you
When oft times we’re forced apart

Oh I have always cherished you
For what‘s inside your soul
You are the other part of me
My heart flames burning coal

You have started wildfire in me
As I know only you can
I will love you and I will burn
Until we meet again.

Vital Organs

HE said make me a meal of your insides
Give me your organs, pull yourself apart.
I said darling I could try, so hard
But you could never have my heart.

My heart is an impenetrable fortress
My lungs are hurt and burnt from tears and smoke
Inhaling salt water makes them useless
And my heart is tough from scars where it had broke.

HE said well can I have your liver with Chiante?
I said darling cooking it would be a trial
For I've abused that thing alcohol for years
And my hatred has filled it full of bile.

He said then let me crack your skull and have your brain
Let me me see inside that pretty head
I said take it if you don't care that it's insane
Take it if you don't care that it's dead.

Fears

Yesterday I was thinking about fears and what I fear most. I love that question but always find it hard to answer and so I pondered...
Death? No.
Being hated? No.
Being alone? No.
Being loved? No.
Being hurt? No.
I had faced all that with strength and dignity and fell and got up and broke down and rebuilt.

Being hated and loved struck a kind of chord though and that's when I realized, I'm not afraid of being loved or hated but being neither. I am afraid of being treated with indifference. I want to be relevant. I want people to have strong feelings about me one way or the other even if it's hate or love. I felt relieved to find an answer...

Of Death and Dying

Tomorrow is the funeral of a guy I knew. My friends fiancee'. He was a nice guy and young and he didn't deserve to die.
Every year I bury someone I know that was too young to die. Every year the pain comes back.

Every year I listen to songs like last kiss, heaven is so far away and kill all your friends and I cry and I remember all the people I lost.

It started when I was little. When I was 4 one of my cousins died of SIDS and in my scrapbook from kindy is a painting I did. It's blurry crap, like kids do but I got the teacher to write on it and it says:
"This is where they buried my cousin Michelle. I miss her. She died. She was only a baby. Everyone is sad."

So here is to you all, all the ones I remember and all the ones I was too young to remember:
Michael - who deserved to be a daddy for a lot longer
Uncle Dennis - who left a hole in the laughter
Poppy Harry and Pat - I barely knew you but what I remembered lives on in my heart
Sean -who's smile made me want to come to school instead of hang myself
Pam - who fostered my love for reading
Graham - who could fix anything but himself
Rhonda - the first adult to ever treat me like one
Mark - my first ever crush even if he was 15 yeas older than me and loved my sister
And Michelle - She was only a baby. Everyone is sad.

I hope your journey through Summerland and into the next life is a peaceful one. You still live here in my memories.

True story

Once I knew a man who joined the army to be a hero. I told him that no matter what he would always be my hero.

He told his friends that someone at home had said that.

He showed them a picture of another more pretty girl....