Of Death and Dying

Tomorrow is the funeral of a guy I knew. My friends fiancee'. He was a nice guy and young and he didn't deserve to die.
Every year I bury someone I know that was too young to die. Every year the pain comes back.

Every year I listen to songs like last kiss, heaven is so far away and kill all your friends and I cry and I remember all the people I lost.

It started when I was little. When I was 4 one of my cousins died of SIDS and in my scrapbook from kindy is a painting I did. It's blurry crap, like kids do but I got the teacher to write on it and it says:
"This is where they buried my cousin Michelle. I miss her. She died. She was only a baby. Everyone is sad."

So here is to you all, all the ones I remember and all the ones I was too young to remember:
Michael - who deserved to be a daddy for a lot longer
Uncle Dennis - who left a hole in the laughter
Poppy Harry and Pat - I barely knew you but what I remembered lives on in my heart
Sean -who's smile made me want to come to school instead of hang myself
Pam - who fostered my love for reading
Graham - who could fix anything but himself
Rhonda - the first adult to ever treat me like one
Mark - my first ever crush even if he was 15 yeas older than me and loved my sister
And Michelle - She was only a baby. Everyone is sad.

I hope your journey through Summerland and into the next life is a peaceful one. You still live here in my memories.

True story

Once I knew a man who joined the army to be a hero. I told him that no matter what he would always be my hero.

He told his friends that someone at home had said that.

He showed them a picture of another more pretty girl....

Ranting

Last night I had a dream of pulling out my teeth in pieces. I sat there in my teeth and ruined a smile I rarely use. Last night I had a dream that the woman was a witch and all the herbs in her garden finally made sense. Last night I had a dream of you and all the wanting in the world could not make that true.

Sometimes I wonder why my dreams are more fulfilling than my real life, and I wish that you could see inside my head. For then my dear you'd see there is some activity there. Then you might understand that though the outside is still the inside isn't dead.

And I can't tag for shit, and I can't remember the days, I can't pretend to care when I should, I can't see the forest for the waves.

Humans are the greatest natural disaster that ever happens to the world or ourselves.

I never commemorate moments in time with photographs, my memory finds nicer pictures to replace them with.

Beguiling

Honey, I can see you smiling;
Darling, can’t you tell I’m lying?
Sweetheart you’ll have to do some dying.
Baby, do you find beguiling?

Sad simple little man
I can have attention with a wave of my hand
I just have to look your way
And you’ll do absolutely anything I say

You melt into my charms
You’d do anything to hold me in your arms
My eyes smoulder and my lips pout
In the clothes you’d do anything to get me out.

The Parachute

The earth moved and pushed a precipice up towards the heavens
and for a moment I thought I was blessed. I was wrong.
Anyone on a precipice will find it is precarious I fell.
Down through the air, a feather made of lead.
Fast I fell but could not land. I was bewildered.
And all the while your Cheshire smile sung of my descent.

Down I fell through levels and layers of broken glass.
Down I fell through rains of tears I’d cried months ago.
Down I fell through my own memories I passed.
Boughs and tree limbs stuck out to whip me but none that I could grasp.

Smoke rose and covered me choking me and hurting my eyes. In it went and devoured my insides slowly blackening everything it touched, making my internal function useless. I could not speak.
Something jerked my shoulders violently, jerking my body upright, it hurt more than anything thus far that I had felt. A buoyancy to slow my descent but nothing that I wanted. A parachute.

Silken threads of hope I do not trust to hold me
Silken threads of hope I’m sure will break
Silken threads of a hope that only you and I see
They are straining and slowing my descent I want to cut them lose and set myself free

This parachute was opened far too low, I know the ground I’ll crash into. I see it and relish in its impact but I cannot have it yet. It embarrasses me that people watching me saw me so high for so little time and that they see my rapid descent. More it embarrasses me that they see me flailing above waiting for the plunge. There is more decency and dignity in crashing than there is in this.

I want it over and done so I can start to heal but now all I have is this tearing ripping descent on winds not of my own making and this is the hardest pill for me to swallow. It tears at me like salt swallowed all in one gulp, it poisons me from the inside out. But I smile up to you to reassure you. It’s ok, darling it is fine. Darling I love you and I’m here if you are mine.

1 day

In the past 24 hours I have dumped a bf, had sex with a relative stranger, grew infatuations for 2 men, helped a friend feel less depressed and argued my stupidity even though I know I am. And not necessarily in that order.